When I listen to my mom talk about her dating days, pre-my wonderful father of course, I wonder where in the hell I’m going wrong.
My mom definitely did the old school style of dating. She’d go out on dates with multiple guys and they’d go everywhere and do anything. Dinner, the opera, the movies, boating, skiing, wine tasting, football games, hiking, and my personal favorite, bow hunting. Yeah I know, my mom’s cool. Rather than shopping around on an app, she shopped around in real life.
When she tells the story about how she and my dad got together it goes something like this:
My mom and dad were friends with an awesome couple we’ll call Steven and Minny. Minny worked with my mom, and Steven met my dad when my dad was doing construction on his house. They set my parents up, and my mom and dad went out on four dates before my mom broke things off. At the time she was dating other people, and just didn’t see things working out with my dad. At this point of the story I’m thinking “four dates?! I can’t remember the last time I went on a fourth date, much less a third.”
My mom ended up getting engaged to a very nice man we’ll call Bob. Then she broke off the engagement to Bob. Minny, being the savvy woman she is, just happened to drop that little tidbit to my dad. My dad, being the intelligent man that he is, called my mom to ask her out again, and she thought, “what the heck,” and they went to brunch. (Don’t worry about Bob he’s okay. Heard he’s got his own show and a burger shop now… Juuuust kidding.)
When I asked her what changed she said, “I’m not sure. I do remember exactly what he was wearing. He looked SO good. And we went out to brunch, which turned into spending the day together and halfway through dinner, it just changed. We dropped our guards and that was it.”
They got engaged three months later, and have now been married for thirty-five years.
That’s one of my favorite love stories. Yes, because it involves the people who created me, but also because it parallels most…*drum roll please*…. You guessed it! ROMANCE NOVELS! (Why? We’ll get there.)
So, being the nerd that I am, I started to think about how different dating is today and wondered why. I researched a couple of articles, read a couple of books, and also talked to twenty-six singles (thirteen men, thirteen women). When I put together all the information I’d gathered, I felt my happy bubble deflate, my shoulders droop, and my mouth frown. I, Samantha, the woman getting ready to put out her first romance novel that ends with a (if I do say so myself) awesome happily ever after, the person who gets excited for Valentine’s Day relationship or not, the person who exclaims “I love love!”, felt a tad bit of despair.
I read over my findings once more, just to be sure, and before muttering outloud, “Well…fuck.”
Here’s what I learned (real quick: if you judge any of these people, I suggest youdo some self-reflecting, because Felicia, I guarantee you’ve done one or more of these):
- One of my most favorite people ever told me he didn’t go on a date with a girl because he watched her Snapchat before and just knew he couldn’t be in the same room with her for more than three minutes. I’m cringing thinking about my ugly Snapchat pictures I love sending.
- One girl told me that she had a guy go off on her calling her a tease and a whore because she didn’t respond within 48 hours to his magical opener of “how’s it going.” She was studying for the LSATs at the time, and had deleted all social media apps off her phone. After that message she deleted all dating apps for good. Can ya blame her?
- My friend said he could be into someone but then will pull back because of the fear that he’ll disappoint them. His schedule & lifestyle have been really hard on people he’s dated in the past so instead of disappointing someone new he just stops pursuing them.
When I asked the number one reason for ghosting someone I got this:
- “I’d say my number one reason is because they don’t fit my ideal match… instead of letting me find out who they really are, when they don’t fit this preconceived ‘perfect’ fit for me, I’ll disappear.”
- “Some guys can’t take a hint. I’ll start to do the normal one word response trying to say ‘hey I’m not into you.’ And when they don’t pick up on that I just stop responding.”
- “Honestly the ghosting is never on purpose…Career comes first right now…I barely have any ‘me time’ so when I do, I feel like I usually want to spend it with people I’m already connected to rather than random dating.”
- “Usually it’s because I’m not really interested in a guy. This sounds bad but I probably had a moment of loneliness and they were giving me attention. I felt bad or had a moment of ‘well maybe I should give him a chance,’ so I gave them my number. Then they want a date and I’m not interested so I just don’t respond.”
And in terms of dating apps making us more or less particular:
- “The idea of settling is hard. What if I spend time with this one chick who is awesome and pretty cute, great personality and we get involved. It’s going great but then two months later I get a match and it’s the unbelievably hot chick that I thought I’d never get to even look at me. So now I have to be the dick and drop the other girl because obviously I want to see if I can have something with the more attractive chick.”
That’s just skimming the surface. I immediately wanted to drink a bottle of wine, eat a carton of ice cream, and drown my sorrows in sad dramatic music. But, I had just bought a great new pair of jeans, and it would be hard to wear them if I gained ten pounds. Instead, I just laid on my bed moaning, “love. is. DEAD!”
That lasted about two minutes before I got bored and turned on my favorite movie, “Pride and Prejudice.”
Now, picture this: I’m laying in bed feeling somewhat sad and defeated, watching as we’re introduced to the brooding, yet handsome, Mr. Darcy (our hero) at a town dance. Mr. Bingley, Mr. Darcy’s BFF, is enchanted by the lovely Jane Bennett. When Darcy whines that Bingley’s caught the eye of the only pretty girl in the room, Bingley suggests that Jane’s sister, Lizzy Bennett, our heroine, is “quite agreeable.” (Jane’s great and all but Lizzy is funny, smart, and quite lovely. We like her more.) Mr. Darcy, the charming ass that he is, retorts, “barely tolerable, I dare say. Not enough to tempt me.” Jerk-face-jerk. Lizzy over hears this barb and of course her pride is hurt because what a dick!
They’re not off to a good start.
Later in the evening, when brought back together in a group conversation, Lizzy jokes that poetry is the death of romance (writing poetry as an act of courting was a big thing back in the day. Honestly, thank Golden Girls the practice died out). Darcy asks Lizzy what she recommends instead to “encourage affection” and she says, “Dancing. Even if ones’ partner is barely tolerable.” *mic drop, exit stage right*
The look on Darcy’s face is priceless. Yeah that’s right. She heard you asshole.
Now if you’ve been living under a rock, *spoiler alert*, Darcy and Lizzy get together at the end and live happily ever after. But not before some angst, family drama, trekking across England, arguing, and quick-witted barbs between the two. Oh, and Lizzy had to turn down a proposal from the most obnoxious man ever Mr. Collins.
So the end credits come rolling in and I’m thinking “why can’t life be like P & P?”
This is when I have a epiphany and discover the solution to all of life’s problems! Romance novels! (You’re welcome in advance).
No, seriously hear me out. (I’m talking to you too dudes.)
Here’s the deal: with dating apps becoming the number one way of meeting people, we have become desensitized to the dating process. We often find ourselves “swiping mindlessly,” while either bored, commuting, or drunk with our friends as a game. We have lost the patience to find attraction despite someone’s flaws, or discover the small physical nuances and quirks that we later find endearing (and aggravating sometimes). We have become more particular with who we date because there are so many more options, and honestly people who once were out of our league are much more tangible now. Lastly, we have developed a “what if” syndrome and are always waiting for the greener grass on the other side, missing out on the grass right below our feet which is actually quite nice. I.e. What if that hot girl/guy matches us back and we’ve already invested in someone else, and we miss out on our chance with the more attractive person?
Now don’t get me wrong dating apps have been good for a lot of people. My sister met my brother-in-law on one. My friend’s brother met his current fiance. It does happen. But, if you’re feeling single and jaded from the constant swiping, bad dates, and ghosting, then you need to a break and read a romance novel. Like right now. Yes they’re fiction, but they are all based around the same idea: two people finding a lasting relationship built on the best foundation of all: love. And love is not fictional.
You’re still skeptical. So let me lay some wisdom on you and tell you what romance novels will teach you jaded folks:
1. First (and second, and sometimes even third) impressions don’t mean s***.
Seriously they don’t. I don’t really need to make a case for this one as I already told you about my mom and dad, not to mention Lizzy and Mr. Darcy. If you’re still confused please see above or watch Disney’s feature film, “Beauty and the Beast.” Hell, watch “Lethal Weapon.” Unless the person your meeting is trying to murder or threaten you, they don’t mean nada, and you should give them another chance.
2. Attraction takes time sometimes.
Once again, let’s refer back to Lizzy and Darcy. Now, I’m not saying that someone you have absolutely NO attraction to is the one for you. I’m not saying you should force attraction, or have to search for it. But, nowadays there’s some buildup to a first date. You see pictures of the person, which initially helps you decide to swipe right, you message back and forth, and sometimes even text back and forth. You’ve gone through all that and your still interested enough to go on a first date. You go on the first date and maybe they aren’t having the best hair day, or they’re tired, or they’re nervous and you leave thinking “it wasn’t the best date ever but it was fun, I just didn’t really feel a spark.” DON’T BLOW THEM OFF. Go for a second date (fuck it go crazy and go for a third!) and see if there’s a little more there this time. Attraction should build over time. Otherwise it becomes stagnant, and who wants stagnant in the bedroom? Yuck.
3. Your ideal person doesn’t exist.
Sorry they don’t. There is no such person. People are flawed, and with the right person those flaws become superfluous. If you find someone who, in your opinion, is not flawed in any way shape or form, then you my friend are in denial. Either that, or this perfect person doesn’t talk, because it’s a doll that you ordered online, and it has no soul. You’re dating Satan in doll form. I hope you two live happily ever after. Now obviously some flaws are deal breakers. But we’ve created such an endless list of deal breakers we’ve lost sight of our match makers. (See what I did there?). Focus on the bigger picture: Do they have similar pursuits? Do they make you laugh? Do they have manners? Do they listen when you talk and actually build on the conversation? Whatever. Just for the love of Game of Thrones stop nitpicking.
4. Timing isn’t everything.
Most heroes and heroines don’t get together right away because: a) that would be a real short book and b) the last thing they want in the world when they meet their person, is a relationship. It is never a good time for the “complication” of a committment to another human being. And yet, it still happens, because that person is worth it. So, if you’re thinking “now’s not a good time,” and that’s your only reason for not taking things further, you might want to think again. Life’s always going to be chaotic, and crazy, and unpredictable. There’s always going to be a reason for why that time is not the right time. Stop with the excuses. When you do, you’ll do a face-palm for waiting so long, because you’ll find the right person will be a calming presence amongst the discord.
5. The best things require work.
Swipe right, swipe left. IT’S SO EASY. So, when we go on a date that requires more effort than using our thumbs to make a split decision, OF COURSE it’s going to seem like a chore. In romance novels the hero and heroine always, always, ALWAYS have to work to be together. When it finally happens it’s so much more rewarding because baby, do they deserve it. That’s what life requires if you want a relationship. Work. You have to put in a little more effort than swiping and meeting for drinks hoping the convo will flow nicely. Should it be easy to be around that person eventually? Yes. After a few dates deliberate conversation will turn into a flirtatious repartee and everyone will be happy.
Case in point: Dating apps are turning the single millennials of the world into thoughtless dating robots. Not really, but kind of haha. We’ve lost patience for the journey of getting to know someone, and fail to see and appreciate the art of awkward first dates. We’ve become jaded, a little more shallow, and a little less romantic. Consequently, despite being active on dating apps, we’re reserved in our efforts resulting in missed opportunities.
So, If you’re feeling grumpy about the hot or not world, take a step back and read a romance novel. Read about two people taking the time to find their fit. It’ll help remind you that dating shouldn’t be a quick fix to loneliness but rather an adventure to companionship. Never read a romance? Well don’t you fret your pretty little head, I came prepared.
Pucked by Helena Hunting
The Search by Nora Roberts
Golden Dynasty by Kristen Ashley
Wicked Deeds On A Winter’s Night by Kresley Cole
Mr. Perfect by Linda Howard
Deacon by Kristen Ashley
The King Series by T.M. Frazier
The Titans Series by Cristin Harber
For the ladies:
Rock Chick by Kristen Ashley
The Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas
If You Only Knew by Kristan Higgins
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
The Ugly Duchess by Eloisa James
Sweet Ruin by Kresley Cole
Charley Davidson Series by Darynda Jones
And like I said before, you’re welcome.